Monday, December 12, 2011

Dear Grandma

Dear Grandma,
     Yes, I can use google, and facebook. I can also tell you that the reason your internet is slower than the speed of smell is because you have now downloaded over one-hundred and twelve versions of the same game from a site called Your computer has at least as many web STDs as five dollor Brooklyn hooker.
Me when your computer doesn't work
Dear Grandma,
     I realize that saving 80c is awesome. If I could save 80c on anything, I would. But there is a line. Quite literally, there is a 17 cart line behind you. I will give you 80c if you will please just leave the poor cashier alone. Your coupon is expired, I'm sorry for that, but I do have a schedule to stick to and waiting 45 minutes for you to get  a can of soup, PineSol, and dog biscuits doesn't fit into that schedule. 
The lady behind you at the super market
p.s.  Please stop using checks. It just adds insult to injury.

Dearest Grandma,
     I'm sorry you were offended by my baggy pants. But my testicles are even more sorry. Next time I go get a burger, I will wear a belt. My bad.
Kid you wedgied at the restaurant for wearing baggy pants

Dear Grandma,
     When I ask 'How are you doing today ma'am?' I'm just being polite. I don't literally want to know your life story. I am not trying to be rude when I try to make you buy shit you don't need, but I have to say the script to get paid. I did not grow up in a barn, and I'm sorry my boss didn't put you on the 'no-call list'. Really, I just want to say the script and get a pay check.
Every telemarketer to ever call
Dear Grandma,
     There are very few times in my day where I get to be 100% alone. I enjoy those moments. One of those golden moments is when I'm on the porcelain throne. I love talking with you, but not when I'm peeing. The wall is only so thick, and it would be magical if I could take this minute and a half to be by myself. Thanks Grams.
Me on the Toilet
Dear Grandma,
     I have things in here from 1967. Please clean me. It smells like a dead body. There might actually be a dead body in here. Please, I will do anything. Trust me, if I die, you will never get this stank out of the house.
Your freezer
 Dear Grandma, 
      Stan Lee once said, "With great power comes great responsibility." Words cary great power. Also, not to sound like a skank, but use me when ever you want. Oh, and please stop making sound effects instead of actually just saying what your thinking. 
The proper use of the English Language

I'm officially moving out of Grandma's crib on January 15th! So what happens to the blog? I will try to keep it updated as much as possible, but to help y'all with the transition, I'm going to start a brand spankin new blog. After the 20th of January, this blog will be updated once a week. Sorry:(

1 comment: