Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Christmas Hoarder

Grandma is a hoarder.  But not your run of the mill hoarder; she hoards Christmas. WHAH!? Christmas?! How in the world do you hoard Christmas?! In a large, cinnamon-must scented, basement. I swear, if we had a garage sale, I should just write an ad that said, "Want to be a merry mother fucker all year round!? Come invade our basement and fill carts full of holiday joy!" Lets take a tally of all the Christmas that is in Grandma's basement. And, if you would love a good laugh, think of this list as the 12 days of Christmas.

The hoarder in me is named Chris fuckin' Kringle.

12 moving tubs of Christmas lights, most of them broken and missing bulbs.

 And of the ones that are working, most of them were purchased before 1970 and used to be colored, but now are faded into an aged, pastel, varient of the colors they once were. Sad, sad, story. Some one should write a poem about it.

This is what she plans on happening...

...this is what usually happens.

11 bags of candy canes.

  All of which are broken in half and taste like wal-mart shelving units. Grandma loads up on candy canes three days after Christmas because wal-mart is practically paying you to take they damn things off their hands. When Wal-mart doesn't even want them, that should be a sign that they probably taste like the inside of a shoe.

"...its broken and tastes like disappointment. "

10 Light-up/ inflatable lawn ornaments.

She never puts them up. In a way, I'm not sure if I should be great ful for this, or not. On one hand this means I never have to go out into the bitter cold and set up the stupid things, nor do I have to go back out to take them down. Although, with out me, they would more than likely stay out in the yard until mid-june. But shopping for more lawn ornaments that don't fit in your car, use money that could go for something else, and dicking around Home Depot for five or six hours while Grams decides between yet another christmas light deer, or a dancing inflatable snow man, is not how I want to spend one of my days off.

No one sleeps in this neighbor hood.

9 Christmas trees.

Nine. We don't even have nine rooms in the house. Nine is an absurd amount of fucking christmas trees. Oh, and she also wants a real one this year. Do you know what it's like to decorate, then dismantle nine Christmas trees?!

Grandma thinks if you don't give a shit about christmas,
 you can't take one either. 

8 Wreaths.

Again, we do not  have eight doors to even put these on!? So what do we do? Put them randomly around the house. Need a dog bed? Here's a wreath! No coasters? Wreath time mo-fo! How about a wreath with your breakfast!? Wreaths for every one!

They even take away your cats dignity! 

7 thousand bank Christmas cards.

Boxes, and boxes, and boxes, and boxes, of blank Christmas cards. They are not collectable; they are not being sent out, and they are not serving any purpose, they take up space. And money! Christmas cards cost a lot of money for something t hat you really can't , and will be thrown out around the 30th of December.

This is the only card I will keep. 

6 more moving boxes of Christmas bulbs.

I will be the first to say that unless these bulbs are worth over 100$ in monetary of sentimental value, they are the most worthless piece of crap on this earth. Even ceramic kittens are less worthless than Christmas bulbs because at least the kittens are here year-round. Christmas bulbs are pointless, dust collecting, circles. They are circles. fucking circles (sorry all you geometry nerds that will correct me by saying that technically they are spheres, my bad.).

What happens when you knock over the tree?
You drown in a sea of bulbs.

5 Doggy-santa outfits

She dresses up the dog like santa. A female, wiry haired, muttly, overgrown, wiener dog dressed like santa. Your welcome for that image.

Jolly-hate beams are aimed at your face.

4 Shelves of Christmas movies.

These are all tape recorded on a VHS off of the Lifetime Channel eighteen years ago. No one has watched them since.

For the last time, NO ONE CARES.

3 dressers full of Christmas sweaters

Every year she is astounded with how many Christmas sweaters are on sale at the Goodwill. "Oh my stars! They are only $2.50! Oh, and this one has a raccoon in a hat on it! How cute! Oh look how many there are! I WILL BUY THEM ALL!" Every year. Every damn year.

Like a breath of fresh, winter air.
Except the winter air is some one's three year old stench of vodka, fruit cake, and dissatisfaction. 

2 Days to dig out all the Christmas shit that got shoved behind other Christmas shit from Christmas six years ago.

The things I find down there with Christmas themes on it is unbearable. Christmas noodles, Christmas palm-trees, paper snowflakes from when I was 3, Christmas magazine issues, Christmas joke books, special edition Christmas bibles, hundreds of shoe boxes of nativity scenes, and even Christmas wigs.

Because nothing sais 'Merry Christmas' like a giant green shit on your head.

... and only one more year until I have to go through all this again.




Sorry about the lack of posts recently! I WILL be back to updating daily, if not multiple times a day. Working on some AWG swag like stickers, laptop covers, and even a ringtone! Check in EVERYDAY and tell EVERYONE. Hypno-toad commands you...

1 comment:

  1. Hello,

    I work on A&E Hoarders and your grandma is a great candidate for help from the show. We are looking to cast the last 4 spots of the show's 6th season. Please submit this form: http://hoardersdocumentary.com/machform/view.php?id=3 as soon as possible. We need to hear from you by 10/15/2012. If this is truly a Christmas hoard, the case could move quickly and her home be clean by Christmas. If you have any questions about the show, please contact me at bethm@sfpseattle.com.

    Looking forward to hearing from you,
    Beth M.
    Production Coordinator